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My theory is that people learn how to be husband and wife before the age of 3. This is because the emotional brain is trained dramatically in the first years of life and most powerfully in the first year of life.

When couples go to the altar and vow fidelity to each other, this comes out of the cognitive brain. However, what happens in marriage is more strongly influenced by the original training of the emotional brain.

Before a man marries, the husband’s role begins, and as soon as a woman becomes pregnant, the father’s role begins. It does not end with insemination.

The dynamics of the relationship between father and mother during the pregnancy help form the personality of the child while still in the uterus. To develop a healthy loving and respectful child, a man is blessed if he does everything he can to follow the guidance in Ephesians 5:25:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ...”

And in verse 28: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

A careful reading of Ephesians indicates the husband is to be the chief lover and forgiver in the family — emulating the role of Christ. St. Paul continues to write in the Chapter 6:4:

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

My experience of doing 34 years of family and individual counseling is that husbands and fathers often feel that they have “rights,” and children and wives should “obey.” Often, they demand respect but they have not done the work to earn the respect.

When couples come for counseling and are locked in a battle where neither one desires to make the first move to repair and reconcile, scripture says it is the man’s job to “be a man” to “be like Christ” and make the first move to repair.

These scriptures seem unfair to men, because they place a heavier burden on the man than on the woman. If the man fulfills the role of “Christ” in his marriage and loves his wife with all his being, then he deserves respect.

When children observe this relationship, they are directly affected by how well love is shared between father and mother. Since the father is scripturally commanded to be the prime mover, lover and the first forgiver, he has the power to create a loving family. This is a far different idea than is popular with some men who believe they should be the commanders of obedience.

The most important thing that parents can do for their children after making sure they are spiritual and in love with God, is to demonstrate how mother and father love each other in a safe, loving and caring home. This grounding produces far better results in parenting than catering to the children.

Children malfunction when parents malfunction. Fathers are supremely important in this equation of raising children. They model what is to be and influence the lives of their children for years to come.

For 28 years, I taught confirmation for children. I observed mothers (with husbands who chose not to attend church) who would make sure their sons were in class and did the work necessary to confirm their baptismal vow before the church.

Then I watched as the son went against his vow to be faithful in worship and instead “became like daddy.” Years of mom’s direction were erased by the father’s example.

Men, I encourage you to step up and be loving men, husbands and fathers. Love is far more than sex.

The Scripture says that: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ...” I Corinthians 13:4-8a.

During the years, I have observed relationships that are successful and some that fail. Those that fail often are selfish, demanding and unloving. Those that make it into the great relationship category follow the guidelines written in the Holy Scripture. The core of those guidelines is for the man to model himself after Christ.

I pray that the Holy Spirit will work in the hearts and minds of each man and father in Alaska so that we will become known as the “State of Loving Men and Fathers.”