Nuclear escalation
Published Wednesday, June 17, 2009
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Stumble It!Do we honestly want the tiny, breakaway Republic of Ester achieving nuclear capability? Yes, it’s true that most Esterites are simple, kindly folk who dwell in primitive structures, obtain much of their sustenance from the land and rely on hemp cultivation to supplement their meager incomes. But the murky, quasi-leftist collective that governs them can’t be trusted. And although Ester officials claim their proposed reactor is intended strictly for peaceful purposes, this move could spark a new arms race.
A nuclear-ready Ester is sure to prompt a response from the deeply militarized rogue state of North Pole, controlled by the crazed madman Kim Jong Isaacson. If the Republic of Ester builds a reactor, North Pole will doubtlessly do likewise, further destabilizing the volatile Tanana Valley.
A nuclearized North Pole presents an even greater threat than a similarly empowered Ester. The government of North Pole is highly unstable and its authority fails to extend past the Santa Clausistan district just east of the urban core of its capital city. North Polians themselves are staunchly religious, suspicious of outsiders and fearful of the Esterites who, they claim, threaten their conservative values.
Even more worrisome is the area beyond North Pole’s borders, a rugged, anarchistic no-man’s land overrun by the militant jihadist group known as the Salchaban. Members of the Salchaban roam the countryside in heavily armed Ford pickups, shooting at road signs, moose and stray environmentalists. Support for the Salchaban is strong in the ungovernable tribal lands of Outer North Pole.
Should a nuclear-armed North Pole fall into the hands of the Salchaban, chaos would ensue. Salchaban militants and their supporters have long been outraged by the occupation of the disputed West Fairbanks territory. If Fairbanks strongwoman Terry Strle follows through with her forced annexation plans, the Salchaban might retaliate and the entire region would be on the brink of nuclear war. And, were that not enough, don’t forget that the failed state of Fox can reach Fairbanks with missiles from its Poker Flats range.
Community Discussion
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Brothers and Sisters of Greater Fairbanks, Heed my call!
I say we must march on the so-called Republic of Ester, we must free these misguided peoples from their terroristic leaders and prevent them from gaining the nuclear fire. We must rise up and lay claim to that which is ours! No-one can deny that Fairbanks is the rightful leader of the interior, and that god-given right must be protected! We recently added new vehicles built for speed to our militant arm, I say we put them to use before it's too late! Who's with me?
lol, love the letter!
Really lame parody.
i think it is funny
not funny.
An A++ in creative writing.
Now the CHSRites must form a government and build an anti-missile-missile defecation system.
What exactly is the bursting radius of a baseball sized piece of plutonium? Just curious in case I should move further away from Ester.
Let us meet at the weigh station at noon!
Bring yer pitch-forks and shovels! We will bury them! Line the catapults along Chena Ridge and loose the fury of our massive armies upon the wayward Republic!
Not sure I agree with you, but massive kudos on the style. All hail the king of satire!
Great letter.
Don't forget North Pole's highly-explosive mobile meth labs...
Who ever does not find humor in this, really has a problem. Outstanding letter.
Disturbingly hilarious...
And even in the face of this funny letter some still manage to maintain their complete and utter bitterness...
Better send in the inspectors. Gonna have to find those WMDs!
Thanks, Mr. James, for the humor. Ugh...this is meant to be humorous, right? Sometimes one has to wonder around here...
There are calls for President Obama to invite the parties to Camp David to smoke a pot pipe and meet with Jimmy Catheter who will drain away dispute with his historically successful peace making diplomatic efforts.
CNN reports Reverend Jessy Jackason has left his 20 a estate in lower Harlem for Alaska to stage a civil rights march on the UAF campus.
Reverend Al Shaptongue continues to denounce Rev. Jackason for being a publicity hound on his daily talk show.
Forwarding this one to everyone who needs a good chuckle today!
Kim Jong Isaacson,my favorite part.
I don't know who David James is but he should be writing something for the paper daily...love the humor...in these times we all need more of it...
I was 'with ya' until you labeled me part of the "Salchaban". Other than that, great letter. And yes, I do think it's funny...
Hmm, should we consult Jimmy Carter or Dick Cheney? They both seem to be experts at taking a big mess and making it worse.
Doug: If you don't like the Salchaban, does that mean you support the Northern Pole Alliance?
Just wondering.
I loved it.
The sad part - if ths were published 30-40 yeas ago nobody would understand it........technology has made great leaps, while civilization has made geat lapses.
One of the big differences between Ester and Iran though, is what they mean when they mention getting "stoned". However, I'll grant you that many of the men wear beards in both places, and citizens of both like to "blame America first".
It might be worth rethinking Ester as a nuclear plant site, after all.
---
Unrelated, but something for comment posters to see, and consider:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/con...
TAC,
"North Polians themselves are staunchly religious, suspicious of outsiders and fearful of the Esterites who, they claim, threaten their conservative values..."
Guess I am closer to the view expressed by the "North Pole Alliance" than to the "Salchaban". Only difference is that I'm willing to let those who disagree with me live in their "own little world" as long as they are willing to allow me the same courtesy.
TAC = David A. James
We're on to you, bro! No one else but a TAC-like entity could have written something like this.
Friggin' *hilarious* letter!
Sorry, Lady, ain't me.
After reading this I got to go take another pill.
I understand, TAC. Of course, you must conceal your true identity at all costs . . . even if you have to deny who you really are.
. . . which, btw, more than just a few of us in the newsminer blogosphere have wondered who you really are, TAC. Just thought I'd let you know. :)
David James: Super job!!! I like your creative thinking. But where is the preemptive strike and the UN Security Council resolution?
Oh dear... as a Universitite I'm not sure which group I should side with, or just sit up here on the hill and watch the show.
Someone has waaaaaaay to much spare time.
arcticmary
6/17/2009, 12:32 p.m.
Suggest removal
Oh dear... as a Universitite I'm not sure which group I should side with, .....
-------
Ch 86 reports Universitite territory has been declared a bore zone/ no man's land pending West Fairbanks liberation of the area for it's assessed evaluation.
And now a few words from our dozen sponsors.
Bud Hilton reminds us: he has a "hose and will travel".
I think the Esteroids cross the border to work in the hill country of the Universitites and have similar political leaning…
I thought the Peoples Republic of Ester declared themselves to be a Nuclear Free Zone 20 years ago or so....or was it Fox?
Great Letter David
whats a nuclear plant?
Fairbanksborn79: "whats a nuclear plant?"
It is a SUNFLOWER that glows in the dark. And it really give the bees a buzz. <wink>
"North Polians themselves are staunchly religious, suspicious of outsiders and fearful of the Esterites who, they claim, threaten their conservative values."
best compliment I received all day. I'm glad someone's been reading my posts. thank you.
And since the earthquakes, I can finally stop praying for divine retribution against those bleeding-heart esterites.
Estuarians?Esterovians? Esteroids?
Now we're talkin!
Almost as good as Homerroids!
Good, fun letter, Thanks!
awww...a purdy sunflower that glows....thank you. But it could do me a favor and kill the bees, stupid bees.
Aww, you have to go with the joke... The UNiversity will be sending out its "red hats" to prevent the occupation of West Fairbanks, and Secretary General Hamilton has called upon the Physics department and Fire inspectors to join forces and become nuclear inspectors...
I've been ruminating on this all day, and now I know why it's so disturbing. It insults so many hard working Esterites, North Polians and Salchabans. I demand a public apology, and I'm going on every news program and website that'll have me to ridicule the author and call him names until I get that apology, by God. Rise up, fellow citizens, and demand respect for our children's sake! This guy, James, is making rude jokes at our expense and it's despicable. Stay away from him, and hold onto your children - this man is dangerous and, and, and pathetic. Wait... do I sound a little crazy?
Only a simpleton would find this funny. You can have a nuclear power plant and have no bomb making capability. We have offered power plants to Iran and North Korea but they want bombs. Ester wants a power plant. No parody here just a clueless liberal.
nope!
You sound like an Obamaite!
The free Republic of Homer completely supports the Esterites because of there continued supply of cheap hemp.
1AkFox - a what? Is that anything like a Bushmite? And tombo, did Ester SAY that they wanted a nuclear power plant? I must have missed that...
we of the Peoples Republic Of Badger are not amused at being left out of this excellant parody. however, well done mr. james.
Free hemp and free arsenic in the drinking water.
Glad most of you folks found the humor in my little spoof. Certainly wasn't intended to offend anyone (and I do sure hope that Doug "Kim Jong" Isaacson knows I was kidding).
Anyway, a few grumblers it seems, but you can't please everyone. And it's good to know I'm a "clueless liberal." Thanks, Tombo. Seems like only yesterday I was getting called a Bush apologist for something else I wrote.
Thanks to all of you, for the comments as well as for stretching the joke that much further.
Cheers!
David A. James
Sorry but no,Tombo. I am waaayyyyy over into conservative territory but I can appreciate humor & satire. A nice, pleasant difference from the usual kvetching! David James, thanks for the fun!!!
I say a reactor in every home. Wish I had one of those the Air Force used to have at their remote sites. Anything is better than being extorted for electricity.
I found the letter humorous.
Pat
Clearly the author of this letter knows ....doris.
Thank you, nonpartisan - very amusing indeed!
i thought it was a pretty amusing letter.
Great letter!
I think it's just a plot by both sides to lose the war so they can receive billions in foreign aid from the U.S.A.
Let's give John Reeves credit for his creativity in inspiring David James' satire. A couple important clues:
Hyperion's website uses a Wikipedia article to describe their "cutting edge" nuclear reactor's design?? (See bottom of their web page):
http://hyperionpower.eu/Design/tabid/110...
Galena's Example: Toshiba supposedly offered a nuke to Galena. Their reactors are far larger than a hot tub (16' X 20' for their smallest), with less than 1% of Hyperion’s advertised output (200 KW vs 25 MW). The Toshiba reactor is reportedly a hoax according the web sites resulting from a few Google searches:
http://www.gadgets-weblog.com/50226711/t...
http://www.greenlivingtips.com/blogs/185...
too funny. i'll have to tell my wife we need to go nuclear or grow weed to fit in..
Good one.
As long as the conflict does spill over to the northern provinces of Farmers Loop and Goldstream you all can blow each other up for all I care.
Oh, that there was funny, I don't care who ya are....
In the heat of this discussion, I would like to remind everyone of the advice found in 1st Timothy, 5:23
I've ridden a lot of Escalators, but never a Nuclear Escalation - can't that give you cancer?
Wow! Good satire on all accounts. As a former Goldstreamian and MurphyDomite, I now reside as part of the greater Clausite of North Pole. We welcome any nuclear reactors, weapons, etc. With these advances we can establish ourselves as the Independent Religious Republic of Claus! Prepare to meet our wrath.......and our missionaries. On the whole a good letter and worthy of comment. Salute!
You did make my day.
Watch it, the ADN picked this up today and you're all going to be invited on the Letterman show.
They should send a copy of this letter to North Korea. I'm sure even they'd at least grin.
Love it some one with a sense of humor. Good satire!!
Clearly one of the most witty letters of the year, David. And to you, nonpartisan: keep 'em guessing...and thinking. Good show!
According to an informed source who is not authorized to comment the parties have agreed to 1st Timothy, 5:23.
However because of the "fog war" several factions are consulting their Department of Peace for exact instructions.
---------1st Timothy, 5:23 [1]
"New International Version (©1984)
Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses.
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
No longer drink water exclusively, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments.
International Standard Version (©2008)
Stop drinking only water, but use a little wine for your stomach because of your frequent illnesses.
GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
Stop drinking only water. Instead, drink a little wine for your stomach because you are frequently sick.
King James Bible
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities.
American King James Version
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for your stomach's sake and your often infirmities.
American Standard Version
Be no longer a drinker of water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities.
Bible in Basic English
Do not take only water as your drink, but take a little wine for the good of your stomach, and because you are frequently ill.
Douay-Rheims Bible
Do not still drink water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake, and thy frequent infirmities.
Darby Bible Translation
Drink no longer only water, but use a little wine on account of thy stomach and thy frequent illnesses.
English Revised Version
Be no longer a drinker of water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities.
Webster's Bible Translation
Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake, and thy frequent infirmities.
Weymouth New Testament
World English Bible
Be no longer a drinker of water only, but use a little wine for your stomach's sake and your frequent infirmities.
Young's Literal Translation
no longer be drinking water, but a little wine be using, because of thy stomach and of thine often infirmities;
Geneva Study Bible
{19} Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities.
(19) The sixth rule: let the elders have consideration for their health, in their diet.
Ref [1]
http://bible.cc/1_timothy/5-23.htm
part 2
"Who is on 1st"
----
People's New Testament
5:23 Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake. I suppose the thought of Timothy's trials called to mind a sense of his physical condition. Hence, he gives a medical prescription. The water of that region is not good. The writer well remembers a fearfully sick day that he passed at Ephesus in 1889, due to the water. Paul, hence, advises that instead, he try the light wines, with only the smallest percentage of alcohol.
And thine often infirmities. The prescription is not of a beverage, but of a remedy for an invalid.
Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary
23. no longer-as a habit. This injunction to drink wine occasionally is a modification of the preceding "keep thyself pure." The presbyter and deacon were enjoined to be "not given to wine" (1Ti 3:3, 8). Timothy seems to have had a tendency to undue ascetical strictness on this point (compare Note, see on [2481]1Ti 4:8; compare the Nazarene vow, Nu 6:1-4; John the Baptist, Lu 1:15; Ro 14). Paul therefore modifies the preceding words, "keep thyself pure," virtually saying, "Not that I mean to enjoin that kind of purity which consists in asceticism, nay, be no longer a water-drinker," that is, no longer drink only water, but use a little wine, as much as is needed for thy health. So Ellicott and Wiesinger. Alford thus: Timothy was of a feeble frame (see on [2482]1Co 16:10, 11), and prone to timidity in his duties as overseer where vigorous action was needed; hence Paul exhorts him to take all proper means to raise his bodily condition above these infirmities. God hereby commands believers to use all due means for preserving health, and condemns by anticipation the human traditions which among various sects have denied the use of wine to the faithful.
Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary
5:17-25 Care must be taken that ministers are maintained. And those who are laborious in this work are worthy of double honour and esteem. It is their just due, as much as the reward of the labourer. The apostle charges Timothy solemnly to guard against partiality. We have great need to watch at all times, that we do not partake of other men's sins. Keep thyself pure, not only from doing the like thyself, but from countenancing it, or any way helping to it in others. The apostle also charges Timothy to take care of his health. As we are not to make our bodies masters, so neither slaves; but to use them so that they may be most helpful to us in the service of God. There are secret, and there are open sins: some men's sins are open before-hand, and going before unto judgment; some they follow after. God will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and make known the counsels of all hearts. Looking forward to the judgment-day, let us all attend to our proper offices, whether in higher or lower stations, studying that the name and doctrine of God may never be blasphemed on our account.
Hark! North Polians beware the Esterites threatened unleash a secret weapon discovered while conquering the land of the University-ites
News Flash from the Ape Press:
The United Nations has forbidden using the "http://biblos.com/" device.
More to follow after this renouncement from "Boggled Search" the Internet's primary source of information trusted by billions world wide where you find 20 billion pages of factual information.
Yikes, fractal and perhaps factual and factional analysis, and all of it in pre-Whiskeyan origin.
I will not attempt to rain on your parade #1, how can anyone presume to tell others how to conduct their activities as long as those activities are taking us as a species toward a better way of existing?
Damn, Jackson Browne is telling like it is on a PBS Soundstage special as I type.
Wish you all were here in my mind right now.
But then...again?
In the words of duke nukem "nuke them all".
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